April 1: Roundabouts preferred by residents over stoplights; plans to replace all lighted intersections

All stoplights in Aberdeen/Hoquiam could be replaced by roundabouts to save costs.

According to documents that were not presented to officials or posted on the Washington State Department of Transportation project list, all streetlights within Aberdeen and Hoquiam will be replaced by roundabouts.

The work described would require extensive closures of all intersections during peak travel times. 

Officials have added that due to preferences from residents to ensure that none of the ongoing fish habitat projects are impacted, all work would be funded by an increase in the local sales tax rates, with the local rates increasing to 12% on all transactions.

If the project moves forward as of April 1, which it will not, the work would require all intersections that feature stoplights now replaced by the much more cost-affordable roundabouts.

“This project would require millions of dollars that could be used on culvert projects.” said a resident who remains anonymous because they don’t exist.

This would, if it were real, replace all intersections along Highway 101 from the east entrance to Aberdeen through the city. Intersections from South Aberdeen to North Hoquiam and throughout the side streets within the two cities that feature lights currently would all be included into this hypothetical transportation project.

“If you have read this far, you have probably figured out this project is not happening, but here we go with more words.” said the project manager with tongue firmly in cheek.

The project gets underway immediately and will require temporary closures of all major roads within the two cities over multiple years.

*This story is a parody, written for April Fools’ Day.